Revising and Submitting Judgement

Seals, like me (via my childhood nickname…)

I never really defined myself as an animal lover, in fact I have definitely been quoted more than once saying I hate “animals and children” because i “have no soul”. Oh the intricacies of ever changing opinions. I only like animals that I can’t smell or be made uncomfortable by. No pets.

via allcreatures

Jun 17, 2010 @ 3:06 pm

          There are a lot of things in the world I have no business discussing, because I have no way of knowing the truth about them. For example, I have no idea whether or not Michael Jackson was a child molester, or who Anna Nicole Smith’s real baby dad is. Most of all I have no right to discuss true human suffering, the kind that exists all over the world and in patches of this country; the kind of living I’m afraid to even imagine. I know no truth about this type of darkness, and the type of human strength that must rise to meet it. Shallow as it is, I know the only thing I have the right to write about are those sides of humanity that expose themselves in well supplied homes across the world, homes with macbooks and flat screens and a full pantries. That existential yearning of every teenage suburbanite is clear as day to me. That crush of the real world on the hopes and dreams we had been convinced would be ours with a few smoothly spoken sentences are my specialty. I truly understand all those realizations that make and break us, and all those moments where someone probably needs to tell us to harden the fuck up.

             I hugged Mae about sixty seconds too long, gave her the biggest smile I could muster, and got back in my car. Coming down off these types of nights always hurt like a 13 year olds broken heart. It was like getting a bottle of water in the dessert, knowing there would be no more for days, but all you can do is chug and throw your scrunched up empty plastic bottle on the sand . It was still early enough in my Midwest summer that the mornings weren’t scorching, and while the 8am air was heavy, rolled down windows did the trick. The drive to the other side of town felt like a cross country road trip, my eyes blurring and my whole body rejecting the past twenty four hours.  I watched all the deep green trees around me, they looked much bigger than usual. My entire existence was shrinking, my car and I the size of a toy truck. We drove along, one-one-hundredth of the size of everything around us, staring up at the supersized world, taking hours to travel a few miles. My muscles ached, and I couldn’t even remember if there was any reason for it besides lack of sleep. I closed my eyes at every stoplight, and considered what type of penalty there was for driving while coming down off of a binge on life. Max had called it a friendship quickie, but he and Mae had always liked to find the pun in things. I crawled into bed thinking of Mae, on the lake years ago, watching our friends relaxing on Lia’s parent’s sailboat, saying, “Friendship is the best ship”. It was one of those undeniably cheesy and characteristic comments that a best friend never forgets, and of course I never let Mae forget she said it.

            And when I woke up, all I had were memories. Elizabeth asked me how my night was; did I just have the most fun?? Even though Elizabeth was normally my favorite roommate, that evening it was all I could do not to just turn around and lock the door to my room. I got a five beers and leftover pizza out of the fridge, and told her I was doing a power hour. Max showed up eventually, and we toted my beyond drunk little sister to some party where the guy to girl ratio was questionable, the lights were too low, I knew too few people, and the alcohol was flowing a little too freely. Its moments like those I’m glad Max is a solidly built 6’9. While the early June mornings may not have been brutal, the nights kept the heat of the day. And 15 beers deep at a unairconditioned party ruins you, so Max and I helped my sister jump the fence of some apartment complex pool; I insisted on climbing it myself. Explaining those bruises to my mother at the pool the next week was less than desirable, but I didn’t need Max’s hand up my dress that night. If anything I needed his hands squeezing my shoulders, telling me that when I finally sobered up things weren’t going to be as shitty as I thought they would be. And that I wouldn’t be as alone as I had been so aptly reminded that I was.

            Open and vocal reassurance wasn’t really Max’s forte though; I think he believed we should have enough self confidence to conquer our own doubts. But I know that isn’t where the sense of lonely abandonment really came from. The panic of being stranded in the dessert doesn’t come from a deficiency in self-confidence; it stems from a lack of confidence in other peoples ability to find you. This slowly growing acknowledgement of being alone was beginning to buzz and sink in all over my skin but I was still relieved to find no one home when I woke up around two pm. Alone is relative, alone is whenever you realize no one else around you has any fucking idea what’s going on in your head. And if these nameless others could hear that cacophony of ideas flooding your brain, they would be, at best, confused. It doesn’t really matter if you’re in a packed football stadium or in a cabin in the woods. My sister had woken up and left hours ago, Max had drunk driven home as per usual, although I probably should have welcomed the idea of him being around that afternoon, especially since I knew my time with him was ticking quickly to a close. So I pulled on a swimsuit and climbed out onto my roof into the burning summer sun, scorching was my favorite feeling to accompany my replay of memories. Just a few nights ago everyone I love surrounded me, and it was like the original Stary Night in a sea of department store floral printed posters.

            But before I could really delve into my memories and prod the moments to live a little longer, I heard Keri yelling at me from the sidewalk in front of my house. She was using that chipper voice she uses when she’s taken her pills and not eaten for days. When she’s living like a real person she’s far too disenchanted with life for chipper yelping. I considered climbing down via the nearest tree, because it seemed adventurous and the least I could do to liven things up, but that would have left us unfortunately locked out of the house. Plus, my roommates had expressly forbid me from making the jump from the roof to the nearest tree. I had not yet tried, but it was getting perilously close to moving day so I would have to get to it sooner rather than later. More likely I would just concede another defeat to a safe and vanilla flavored life. Those losses, with their ever-growing number, were beginning to be a little harder to swallow. I crawled in through the window; maneuvering in a bikini always reminded me of those extra pounds I’d put on since I started college. It also reminded me of how I fluctuated between eating a whole pizza in my bed telling myself if someone is going to love me, they won’t mind my tummy, and being enraged almost to the point of tears by the number on the jeans I had to squeeze my thighs into at the department store. Oh American culture, your ironies slay me. Literally as well as figuratively, obviously.

2010-06- 17T14:05:00Z Jun 17, 2010 @ 2:05 pm

I dont always love animals, but i couldnt resist you!!

allcreatures:

mabelmoments:

Watermelon the baby tapir

Not yet a month old, San Diego Zoo’s newest Malayan tapir is starting to nibble on solid food already. The tapir has been named “Tembikai” which means “watermelon” in Malay. The Malayan tapir is an endangered species, so this birth is significant to the population. (via zooborns)

Mar 5, 2010 @ 2:14 pm

robot-heart-politics:

abcsoupdot:joyshapes:

Why Americans don’t need the government telling them what to eat. This graph shows the US federal subsidies for food production over a decade ending in 2005. As we can see, there is a HUGE contrast between what the US federal government recommends and what they subsidise. According to the Federal Nutrition Recommendations, meat and dairy should comprise approximately 25% of our intake. So why do these industries receive a full 75% of subsidies? In stark contrast, we see that fruit and veg only get 0.37% of subsidies!

The lower the subsidies, the higher the pricing as it costs more for the industry to produce. So is it any wonder the US have an obesity problem? The solution is not to tax junk food, it is to ELIMINATE SUBSIDIES and accordingly eliminate price controls. Incentives do a lot more good than penalties.

image seen in Good Medicine

Mar 1, 2010 @ 9:36 pm

All of us have moments when all seems lost, and some days we don’t even know why. Some of us pour our drinks, some of us pop our pills, some of us shed our tears. Some of us lock the door. Sometimes I look around me at the everyday tragedies of these doctor’s daughters and lawyer’s sons, and i just want to tell them to harden the fuck up.  But in the end, no matter how many people have it worst than us, someone always has it better. And that’s at the heart of the American Dream.

Feb 27, 2010 @ 5:08 pm

“Never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It’s probably worth it.” 

-The Beach (via julie911) (via quote-book)

Feb 1, 2010 @ 9:31 pm

travelhighlights:

Cidade Maravilhosa (“The Marvelous City”) by Alexandre d’Albergaria

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Following travel highlights may have been the worst decision of my life…. 

So incredibly antsy. Just wanna wander…

2010-02- 01T21:17:14Z Feb 1, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

“Actual Happiness looks pretty squalid in comparison with overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.” 

-Brave New World

Jan 31, 2010 @ 5:04 pm

I just feel like I did the right thing. I deserve to have that recognized.

Yeah, But I don’t advocate that

You don’t advocate doing the right thing?

Yeah.

So you just think we should be looking out for ourselves all the time?

More or less

On a whole I have to disagree with you, look at how we get ourselves into all these messes like Enron and corporate culture and creating empty, selfish lives by only looking out for ourselves.

You know that’s not what we’re talking about.

In this context I guess I should have done it your way. Not that you even live that way. Your worries are gas fires, global warming and leprosy.

Like that’s relevant

I’m still laughing about it. 

Jan 28, 2010 @ 3:28 pm